Holla people, yeah yeah I know av been AWOL for a while but am back now….hopefully :D
So a friend of mine wey tink say I sabi everything was asking me what ways one could find a nija husband in the shortest possible time. I thought and thought and couldn’t get anything, so I asked questions and researched and I found that;
Getting a Nigerian man to marry you is the easiest thing in the world. This is your chance to stop being single and get a-mingling. These easy steps will get you married, bedded, bare foot and pregnant in less than a year, guaranteed or your money back.
1.– Be very religious. Nigerian men loveeeee them some religious girls. you don’t actually have to be, you just have to pretend that you are. Talk about the night vigils you go to every now and then. Slip in some passages from the bible, and verses from the Quran in random conversations even when they don’t fit in. Give him a Quran as a present. call him randomly for “morning prayers”. a Nigerian man will marry a woman who appears to be religious. fake it till you get that ring baby girl.
2– Pretend to be maternal. Pretend that you love children so much. especially other people’s children. coo at them at grocery stores, malls, lounges, planes. Talk about how much you love children. Carry his friends’ kids all day long. offer to help feed them. It doesn’t matter that you don’t love other people’s kids and think that children can be such d***s from a very early age, it should not matter. Pretend girl. You’re auditioning to be his baby popper, act like one.
3– You gats deny all them man them. Have you ever had sex? made out with someone? ummm…you don’t have to tell your nigerian man that. When you’re asked your body count is 1 or 2, never more than 3 though cos you’re already side stepping into ‘whoredom’. Never mind that your nigerian man’s count is like 54, who cares? he’s only out there doing everything in skirt so that he can impress you in bed. All of what he does is for you, you ingrate!! he’s out there putting his thing in everything in other to come home and please you in bed and you have the guts to say you have a body count of more than 3? If any man claims he has slept with you, cry and swear that you know no such man. Refer to rule number 1, start quoting religious verses about how your enemies are chasing you and shit.
I hear some girls subtract 7 from your body count, thats bullshit. You only have 3 choices: 1, 2, or 3, other than that, you might as well just remain single.
Unfortunately though, they all know one another and even though they don’t, they know someone who does and might catch you if your lying so biko just try and close ya legs small ehn..
4– A nigerian man has needs that only you can’t meet. You have to give him some penis room. Why are you being selfish? let men be men. Let them have wings to fly. Don’t be asking him why he came home late. You smell perfume on him, be happy that some girl is keeping him moisturized and smelling all good. That’s one thing you don’t have to do today. Let them have some fun girl, you just want that ring on your finger don’t you? relax.Tthat diamond that you can instagram, twitpic and use as dp with well manicured fingers is coming.
5– Endevour to be light skinned There is a popular Yoruba song that goes “omo pupa o, omo pupa la wa n fe; omo pupa o ju wo mo feran re o”
Most men will give their right arm to date and marry a light skinned girl. In the olden days (and now) light skinned girls attracted more suitors and their bride price were quite exorbitant. So if you want to get married sharp sharp, BLEACH, BLEACH BLEACH and do it well. Don’t worry MaryK foundation is just 1,500 and it’ll cover it all up when your face turns green, anything as long as u get the ring abi?
Let the record reflect that just because men find some of these unattractive- does not mean they will not attempt to sleep with you. Sleeping with you is a different ball game when compared with attraction.
The two are not mutually exclusive!
If your tired of spending yet another saturday in your father’s house do not be a;
These are the sort of girls that you find at every party, in every bar or night club. And if you’re confused; here are some pointers. They are wearing thick make up, chewing violently on fake gums and standing ALONE clutching unto their little purses! So we can already tell that they either don’t have cars or they didn’t come with anybody they could trust enough to hold their bags. Desperados don’t want to dance of course; except you have a striking age resemblance with their dads back in the village or you’ve got a tommy to remind them of theirs’ before they got an abortion. But not dancing doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate drinks!
‘Can I buy you a drink?’ “Of course”.
And while you do; she pretends to receive a call, in front of a loud speaker!
There’s nothing wrong in being bought a drink; but women who act as though they are entitled to a man’s wallet don’t last very long!
Go with your friends and buy at least one bottle of smirnoff abi wetin dem dey call am. Sip once in a while to moisten the lips.
2. Blackberry Beggar.
How a classy lady turns from her ‘whatever’ attitude before you got her PIN to posting sad and teary icons on her blackberry profile, beats me. I mean come on girls; whatever happened to your pride? I know you’re broke- but must the world know? Do you have to post all your problems to the new dude?
But I trust my Naija guys to say-
‘Eeyaa! It shall be well!’
One thing is certain; if he helps you with some money, he does so out of pity- which is not something you want a man dating you to feel for you. He should feel respect for you; so please respect yourselves. If you run to him for all your financial ish don’t be surprised when he tells u to “sare wa gba”, and ignores you afterwards. He don chop im investment be that.
To avoid unnecessary disgrace, buy a ‘kolo’ and save 100naira a day. Don’t worry when he puts the ring on it, u wee spend and buy as much as you want. Just pretend in the meantime and do it well!
Granted, most men want girls who have Indian blood running in their veins; but they’re not stupid enough to know that they can’t all have that. Gbabes are girls whose hairs remind me of the tenants of the psychiatric hospital opposite Shade’s house.
I know we can’t all afford to wear the expensive lace wigs and Brazilian hair that Omotola or Patience Jonathan wears- but why not thank God for the Aba boys? They have made some extension braids and ‘Brazilian hair’ affordable for peanuts…
My last boyfriend dumped my ass cos he couldn’t stand my ‘adimole’ so trust me, I know. It doesn’t have to be it, it just has to look like it. Most of em sef no know the difference.
*Hums* “Sometimes shave your legs, sometimes don’t’. That’s cool and all but your going to need to shave under your arms and the other place (you know where.) Even if nobody is seeing it, E no dey scratch you?? I am not scared of using the P word but this is a family friendly website- and I’m sure you get the gist. Men may be bush here in Nigeria, but please give yourself an edge up by keeping it like a well-manicured lawn rather than like a jungle safari in the middle of Niger Delta!
5. Loud Mouth:
Some girls know all the lyrics of all the tracks in Terry G’s or Wizkid’s Album. No one wants a girl that’ll take em through Timaya’s discography while wearing a smile. Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s all good, but what’s not good is that the Naija guy, you’re dancing with or rapping at, has already formed an opinion of you! You’re a loudmouth in his head. And you seriously can’t fault him for this assumption.
What the average Nigerian who wants to have something serious with you- thinks about is; “what will my people say about this girl?”
Truth is; if he can’t bring you home to momma u can’t roll. Men can’t stand a woman whose every word is a curse; mothereffer this, son of a —– that et cetera. Kindly have at least; an ounce of class and act like a lady not a bus conductor!
The solution, buy a mirror and rap before a date, that way you can spit all ur epic shii and still form all night. Remember men like babes that form, they just don’t know it. You have to be good at the forming cos if they catch you……
You don’t have to be miss perfect, act it abeg, all you want is the ring abi?
Do the above and I can guarantee that one out of three guys will marry you and you can get the rock and a lavish wedding, and we will call Pasuma to come and sing.
If you want a marriage tho, just be yourself. If there’s anything I have learned its that true love has no rules and if it’s meant to be, it will.
DISCLAIMER: If you do choose to follow the rules/advice above(and some of them are actually really good), endeavor to read between the lines. This girl shall not be responsible for any black eyes due to your pretense. For those of una wey wan crucify me, most of it is a guys’s opinion oh I just tink am small reason say na true.
Feel free to add yours sha and the bois can agree to disagree.